By Dee Holloway 
Rebekah the Emotional Vampire is back, ranking recent releases and old favorites of the vampire genre! It takes one to know one, and Rebekah’s been around long enough to have racked up quite a body count…
I don’t really watch human-made movies. Or vampire-made either, for that matter. I pay no attention to those so-called “flicks” where humans parade around as vampires with fake fangs and ghastly makeup. Think about it, would you cast a vampire to play a human? It’s just not believable. In any case, the editors offered to publish this piece if I wrote it, so I watched ten so-called “vampire films.” It’s a good thing I’m immortal or else I’d be furious at the hours wasted on these absurd vampiric depictions. Seriously, is this how you all choose to spend your few, precious moments of life, you humans you?
Editors’ note: all rankings are made on a zero to five fucks scale, with five fucks being the highest score.
Salem’s Lot, 2024 – two fucks
A supposedly famous “author” whom we never see do any writing returns to his hometown just in time to spoil the arrival of an ancient vampire drawn in by the affordable real estate. Not all vampires are rich, you know. The writer and company immediately interfere with the ancient one’s plans to upgrade Salem’s Lot to Vampireville. It’s unclear what they’re supposed to eat after all the humans are turned. So I assume they would’ve cannibalized each other if they weren’t all killed by the sun. Lame. And now I’d like to say something about crosses. There are burning taped-together-tongue-depressor crosses in this movie. Meanwhile, in real life, Vatican City is full of genuflecting vampires decked out in cross couture. As a group, we love accessories.
Nosferatu, 1922 – two fucks
I might’ve seen this one in the theater. Yes, I remember now! “Get a manicure!” I yelled, but at that time you weren’t allowed to heckle, or tell men to cut their nails, so they threw me out and I never saw the end. In any case, are you kidding me with those teeth? You can’t go out in public like that. Let alone give head, which is a very important part of being a vampire. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.
Nosferatu, 2025 – two fucks
Ah, corpse-fucking: the one fetish I haven’t tried! I am quite partial to bloody tales of immortal beloveds, but this one could also use a glow-up. Those nails! That beard! That mangy, rotting old coat! Gross. Listen, ladies and femmes: there are plenty of dark demon lovers in the primordial sea who smell just as delicious as you do. Never settle. 
Interview with the Vampire, 1994 – four fucks
A delightful blood-sucking dandy with lacy cuffs takes pity on a self-hating yet strikingly beautiful plantation owner in Louisiana, turns him into a vampire, then spends the rest of eternity regretting it. Oooh and there’s a piano! I love a piano. I’m no star-fucker but I really did fuck both those actors. Separately and together. I just didn’t know who they were at the time. You’re welcome. Also Kirsty Dunce or whatever her name is actually is a vampire. That’s why she’s so good in this and so terrible in everything else.
Blade, 1998 – one fuck
A trigger-happy vampire hybrid goes around killing all his brethren under the pretense of defending the world from vampire domination. What’s so wrong with a world run by vampires, hmm? Can’t be any worse than one run by human fascists. He wears dated sunglasses–indoors, no less. One question: are those vampire-prevention garlic injections minced, or paste? Either way, it’s utter nonsense.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992 – five fucks
A lonely old count finally relocates from Romania to bustling London, where his reincarnated beloved resides. Poor old man, she’s already promised to another dish, who just so happens to be the count’s own real estate agent. So he endeavors to add them both to his harem. A gruff, aged human man and a bunch of killjoys ruin the plot, parting the immortal beloveds forever. Five fucks only because I would fuck everyone in this film, including the old count and his hairy palms. But I’d cut those nails first with some garden shears. Obviously the harem is joining in. Now that’s a proper orgy. Also, let me say in all my years, I have never encountered a vampire hunter. I don’t think they exist, honestly. It’s all rather far-fetched.
What We Do in the Shadows, 2014 – four fucks
A couple blood-drinking cuties and Count Orlock’s cousin rent a house together in New Zealand. I’m not sure what else happens because I got distracted by Vlad the Poker and his eyebrows. He can poke me anytime. God, it’s been ages since I got strung up in a good old-fashioned torture chamber by a depraved deviant with a great schnoz.
Underworld, 2003 – two fucks
This one’s about a nest of miserable vampires who sleep in their couture and have nothing to do except get attacked by big hairy werewolves every time they go out. I don’t personally know any werewolves but I don’t imagine they’d smell great.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 1992- one fuck
More vampire hunter fiction. I just don’t buy it.
A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, 2014 – two fucks
An Iranian girl-vampire roams around killing men, some of whom deserve it. She also wears a cape and flies along empty streets on a skateboard. This is an artsy film–it’s in black and white, need I say more?–so there’s not much of a plot beyond “the girl is vampiric,” yadda yadda. If there were at least some sex, I’d give it three stars. Alas…
Twilight, 2008 – zero fucks
Edvard the emoting emotional vampire hangs out at a high school where he hunts virgins. You should know virgins are rather bland on the whole; the emotional equivalent of white bread. So we know from the start he has unforgivably bad taste. Sure enough, he falls for a baby lesbian who never closes her mouth. They share some apricot lipstick. Apparently they made several of these movies. I do not comprehend why it would take more than an hour, tops, to tell this so-called story. What a waste of my eternity.
From Dusk Till Dawn, 1996 – one fuck
Two dickish human male murderers/rapists/bank robbers on the lam rendezvous at a flame retardant Mexican vampire bar called the Titty Twister. The human brothers wind up killing almost everyone, including a feathered demon vampress called Satanico Pandemonium who dances like a barefoot mod chick from hell in her gold accented bikini underwear. I see why the pervy director cast himself as a serial rapist-murderer just so he could suck her toes. Anyway, a goopy massacre unfolds. There’s a torso guitar, melting faces, chair leg and pool cues-cum-stakes. Some humans rip out a vampire’s heart and stab it with a yellow pencil. You get the idea. So much squelching and excessive decapitations. This one earns the honor of grossest flick on this list. The little girl with the crossbow was cute though.
Note: the only real vampire in this movie is the director.
Queen of the Damned, 2002 – one fuck
Movies based on books are often terrible because books are terrible, and this one is no exception: Lestat, the fame attention whore with an inexplicable accent, lives openly in an age when no one believes we vampires exist. (Such a terrible date rape metaphor: I told you I was a vampire! So it’s your fault I ate you.) He’s an excellent hypnotist, persuading scores of humans that he can sing. His maker is the guardian of the ancient vampire sires, including the mother of all, Akasha, Queen of the Damned. Lestat wakes her up, she eats her consort, goes on a rampage. Confused? Don’t worry, the voiceover will explain it all. Ah, and I see they used the same makeup artist as Nosferatu!
The Lost Boys, 1987 – three fucks
A shapeshifting, dumpster-diving hair band sleeps in a cave and scavenges for unsuspecting couples or old Chinese food, both plentiful in their seaside carnival town of Santa Carla. They also bleed glitter, drink from a dusty, bejeweled bottle of red soda pop they call “blood,” and spend way too much time posturing for humans. There’s a bra-less witch in the entourage too. This familiar/concubine is named–with no trace of irony whatsoever–Star. So gauche.
Turns out their leader is a flabby old dork who lives in a house and wears a tie. I ask you, why can’t he be hot too? I’m sick of this misrepresentation. It is sweet, though, how the children in this movie believe in vampires coming to murder them! Most youths are far too cynical.
Only Lovers Left Alive, 2013 – two fucks
A portrait of a boring marriage between two agoraphobic vamps–Eve, who bears an eerie resemblance to a fear-eating vampire I once met–and her husband, suicidal buzzkill musician Adam. Eve has an obsession with books, much like my beloved. Adam has a thing for guitars. They scrounge for artisanal, organic sustenance. And that’s about that. Oh, and they know Christopher Marlowe. Ugh, of course all their pretentious friends are writers. The couple remains apart, yet together, both hot, but not exactly hot for each other. The lack of sex in this movie was extremely disappointing. These co-stars are delicious! I would fuck them both, preferably all at once! But the flick features as much sex as it does plot…
Editors’ note: We asked Rebekah to weigh in on the recent vampire phenomenon Sinners, but she was unavailable for comment, citing an exhausting end-of-summer orgy schedule.
Rebekah is an emotional vampire goddess and unbridled narcissist. Intrigued by Rebekah and the particulars of emotional vampirism? Have opinions on her film rankings? Check out Lindsay Merbaum’s book Vampires at Sea, forthcoming from Creature Publishing in October 2025 and available to preorder now on Bookshop. Find more of Merbaum’s writing at her website, give her a follow on Instagram or Bluesky, and consider joining her Study Coven of writing workshops! Happy reading, ghouls.
