FIVE HORROR CHARACTERS I WANT TO GRAB A BEER WITH

Between brutally murdering fornicating teenagers, terrorizing children, and possessing hapless souls, I’m sure there are many horror characters out there who had or wish they had a nice cold one to knock back in their downtime.

How do I know? Well, let me ask you this: Who doesn’t like beer?

Exactly.

Yesterday, April 7, marked National Beer Day in the United States, so in appropriate DIS/MEMBER fashion, here are five horror characters I with whom I’d like to grab a beer and the beers we would drink.


PENNYWISE THE DANCING CLOWN

Whoa! I went there. Hanging out with an ancient evil disguised as a clown? Are you insane?

Probably, but hear me out. Having terrorized the community of Derry, Maine, for approximately forever, I’m sure Pennywise has an incredible knowledge of the area’s history and folklore legends (especially since he kind of is one). Surely he was there as the English refugees washed up on the shores of America and started to spread out to start the 13 colonies. If he wasn’t trying to eat me, I’m sure Pennywise has a lot of fascinating history to regale. Could it be that he had been around long enough to terrorize the Native Americans of the area? More conversation!

What we’d drink: Since Pennywise likely terrorized the colonists, I imagine he likes to kick back with a classic British-style ale or maybe even a bitter. Easy to make and easy to drink, it’s never a bad choice to go with a British ale.


VAN HELSING

This one is probably a little more likely to happen than having beer with an insane clown demon. Abraham Van Helsing–the grandfatherly sage who devoted himself to saving Mina Murray & co. and defeating Dracula–would have some amazing stories to share over a couple of brewskis. The man is a book of knowledge, and there are certain people that you just feel smarter being around.

Van Helsing in pop culture generally gets the grisly vampire hunter treatment, and as far as sharing a beer, that’s fine with me. I imagine being three beers into the night and hearing Van Helsing saying–somewhat loudly to bring attention to himself–“Have I told you about the time I was surrounded by three wolf-men, and then a horde of vampires ambushed us?” Even if you have, do tell it again.

What we’d drink: Since he’s Dutch in the book, it’s hard to imagine that he would turn down one of his country’s famous Dutch lagers. I’m sure a Heineken would have him waxing poetic about home.


LAURIE STRODE

Kind of an obvious choice, isn’t it? She went from a peppy high school student, survived a whole franchise of films (let’s forget some of those sequels where she was dead), and now is basically a prepper for the doomsday that is Michael Myers’s inevitable escape from the psych ward. If anyone needs a beer, it’s her.

It would be amazing to pick her brain, although it might take a couple of beers to get her comfortable enough to open up. I imagine after deep conversation about how to power through trauma, we would open up her enormous gun cabinet and go take some practice shots in the backyard. Of course, we’d have to cut ourselves off before we decide it’s a good idea to put on the bullet-proof vests.

What we’d drink: Somewhere in Laurie’s basement of survival, there’s got to be a homebrew or two that have been bottled and are ready to chill and drink. Is it too on-the-Halloween-nose to hope for a homebrewed pumpkin spice porter?


ASH WILLIAMS

The man, the myth, the legend–Ash Williams. He has fought off the hoards of evil dead and has even been transported back to medieval times. I’m sure whatever survival tips I might have been missed by beer with Laurie Strode would be covered after a night of drinking with Ash. Plus, should the inevitable zombie apocalypse occur, there’s no one I would rather be with.

Although I’m sure if the drinking got competitive, I wouldn’t have a prayer at winning.

What we’d drink: Poor Ash has had a hard life, so I’m guessing he would want to drink to forget. My guess is that we’d go for something high in alcohol content like an IPA or a Scotch Ale aged in a whiskey barrel.


ELLEN RIPLEY

Her spacecraft was invaded thanks to a dick-head android. She took out a xenomorph queen. She survived a friggin’ prison planet. I think she deserves a break and a good drink.

I would have so many questions. How did you not just poop your pants with face-huggers and alien mouths extending toward you? Could you ever trust an android? Why did you let the screenwriters kill Newt and let Alien 3 happen?

Of course, after a few drinks, I’m sure we’d think it’s a good idea to go hijack some exosuits and have a duel.

What we’d drink: Space is dark, full of life and mystery, and it makes you a bit floaty. Kind of like a good stout.


BONUS

Would I drink with Hannibal Lecter? Absolutely I would not. I know he’d give me a beer full of flavor meant for marinating me. It would probably be spiked, too.

 


So there’s my list…for now. Who would you like to grab a beer with? Let us know in the comments below!